I’m sure it’s no surprise to you to know that all couples disagree. It’s normal and the couples who stay married the longest disagree as much as those who divorce.
Did you know that the best stage of your marriage (which many couples never reach) is where you each learn and decide to accept one another as you are with no expectation of change?
There are a few couples who claim they never disagree, but I’ve always said, one of them is not being “real” or speaking up on what they really think. Some authors just say one of them is lying because it is not normal to always agree with someone on everything.
When we disagree in hurtful, painful ways such as fighting and arguing a lot, those disagreements become a problem.
Some marriage research indicates that the difference between couples who disagree and do not get along well and those who disagree but report themselves as happily married have a five to one ratio of positives and negatives. In other words, they have five positive interactions to one negative interaction.
I’d like to share a thought that is worth considering when you find you and your mate strongly trying to “sales talk” your mate into your point of view while he or she just as strongly or more so tries to “sales talk” you into the value of their point of view.
This thought is to consider a totally different alternative. For example as you are each promoting your own ideas, you could stop for a few minutes and go through the positive and negatives of each spouses points – what are the points you really like and what are the points you fear – fearing what you will lose by going with the other spouses solution.
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At times it could have become a power struggle between you while at other times you each truly believe your way is so much better than your mates and are convinced if they would just listen long enough they would see your points and agree.
When you take the pros and cons from both, you can begin to brainstorm about ways you could each get the positives you are wanting and get rid of what you each think you will lose by accepting your mate’s solution!
When you are brainstorming ideas, if you can keep this pretty light hearted, you will come up with some pretty funny or silly ideas. Please list all of them to keep the lightness going and then after exploring all of them, pick one to try for the next couple weeks and make a date to reevaluate and decide if you want to continue that one or go on to the next suggestion on your crazy brainstorming list!
Sounds fun??? Try the toilet seat up or down debate or the toothpaste tube one if you want to entertain yourselves!
Until next time…..
Please do comment or leave questions and I will respond and share so others can benefit too. What was helpful, what have you learned on this subject?
Marriage Counselor & Author
In my personal life, I have had a long successful marriage and have remarried following my husband's death. I have had three sons and helped raise a niece for three years and have seven grandchildren. I have loved spending time with them as they were growing up.
I also enjoy getting together with family and friends, ATVing in the mountains, photography, hiking, and traveling. I also enjoy reading, creating art, decorating, and serving others by volunteering.
Assisting couples in rebuilding their marriages has been so rewarding as I've had the privilege of seeing hundreds of couples reunite and get back to being positively connected to one another.
I also work with personal development and those who want to move forward by making positive improvements such as goal setting, self-care, boundaries, behavioral improvements, overcoming procrastination, conflict management, etc.