It is often said that marriage is a gamble, and that one has to take the risk which comes with it. This means that there is a chance things might just not go exactly as you’ve planned. The crisis in marriages vary greatly and before you realize you are thinking about “Do I have what it takes to save my marriage?” and calculating the possibilities of your relationship going down the drain if no action is taken in time.
Reality Check: You have what it takes to save your marriage and make it the blissful bond you’ve always fantasized about.
The first step has to be the identification of the situation and whether it is a crisis at all or just a phase which might pass without changing anything. Usually, marriage crisis consists of many unresolved conflicts which the partners or one of them has avoided for a long time. If often means a conversation is long overdue or some of the arguments have escalated to higher levels of misunderstandings rather than serving as healthy differences. Those things can be resolved in a number of healthy ways.
When the balance is disrupted between the good of the marriage and the bad of it, it is an alarming situation since it doesn’t take much time before the darker shades take over the other colors of the spectrum.
Lack of Communication
One of the most common marital crisis includes Lack of communication. This might sound cliched as it has always come up whenever it is about marital counseling; but it is the most powerful theory anyway.
Avoidance of crisis only causes the spouses to drift further apart. So it is senseless to assume the issues would go unnoticed, and the situation will eventually fade away because it won’t. Always keep in mind that whatever one of you is feeling, the other one has to share because you are in this together. Tiny issues may never add up into monstrous ones if both the parties talk about it with the intention of understanding each other’s view point.
Naturally, this does not mean you will necessarily agree and have the same opinions, but will truly attempt to understand one another’s way of thinking. Then it is very important to accept those differences without to try to change them. It is a matter of live and let live or value and honor those differences because those are what make you each unique.
How boring this life would be if we were are clones of each other.
Financial Crisis or Health Crisis
A marriage could very easily suffer from Financial Crisis as that is one of the root causes of other problems starting to occur between spouses. Thus it is better for both of the spouses to keep a good track of their investment decisions, expenditures, savings etc. Instead of playing the blame game, take your responsibilities seriously and own up to your mistakes with a sense of togetherness. This would not only help you in seeking a solution, but would also keep you both on the same side of the fence.
If we live long enough, nearly all of us will suffer with a healthy crisis of some kind. These times are also very difficult for all involved. It is a terrible time for the one who is ill, but also for all those who stand helplessly by watching the suffering. Along with all that is the feeling of helplessness and fear.
Sometimes we are so disappointed when it appears that certain people act in ways that are unexpected. For example, I know some people who are so uncomfortable going to visit the hospital or care facilities that they never are willing to go. They become very upset and want to hide it, so often just don’t go but don’t admit what is going on for them.
Because of my own losses early in life, I can share that journaling was one of the things that helped get me though while I was practically living at the hospital with my son.
My journal was a way to vent and write about my experiences and though it never started out as a Dear God letter, after venting and frustration, it nearly always ended that way.
If you are interested in how the journaling process can help you with whatever is happening right now in your life, please see my article about Journaling – A 24-7 Gift to Yourself! It is on this website.
I credit my faith with helping me through long very dark time in my life and the time that followed. I felt that I totally understood why many use alcohol and drugs to dull the pain…because even with my faith it was the worst experience of my life. It helps me a lot that I know I will see him again and that his life is the best ever where he lives now.
Following are tips to help strengthen your marriage. But first, check out my products related to marriage health.
Doubts and Infidelity
Doubts & Infidelity are often interchangeably used and assumed to be the same, and are two of the biggest crisis spouses face in a marriage. But they are clearly two different things. When one of the spouses is assuming a cheating behavior of the other, it is not necessarily the truth always – avoid it unless they’re proven guilty.
On the other hand, infidelity is something which is for sure a relationship killer. But if by some miracle your partner realizes how wrong they were and are sincerely repentant you have the opportunity to evaluate the situation and whether you could eventually forgive them and move on with the marriage.
One thing you need to keep in mind is that, once you’ve decided to accept their apology, it is important that you do not make them feel you doubt everything they say and do as this would leave you both in a pathetic state of conflict.
However, again with my over 25 years of working with couples following an affair, it is not easy and does require several things from the straying partner. It is vital that the partner takes on the responsibility for rebuilding trust. While there are numerous ways to do this, several practical things need to happen immediately to help the betrayed partner begin to feel safer emotionally.
Those things are to immediately give all passwords and always be in touch when they will be later than originally stated. Of course, we do not expect the other spouse to constantly be checking their phone and computer, but just knowing they could anytime seems to help quite a bit.
Obviously, if the affair has not been broken off, that must happen first if there is to be any opportunity to rebuild.
If the partner is unwilling to give these items, it immediately plants doubts as to how sincere they are in their repentance.
There are varied opinions on giving all the details. Some believe this is very important. It is very natural to have questions and important that the straying spouse is willing to answer them but not daily as that puts too much strain on their relationship.
My personal experience has been that if all the minute details are shared it seems to just add to the pain and the videos that play out in the betrayed partner’s head.
Some counselors have the theory that if the partner has always been honest in the past, that this one time causes so much pain to the straying partner, that they are not likely to do it again.
However, the opposite is true. If that partner has done this before and regularly is dishonest in their life dealings, there would be little reason to believe they have suddenly become trustworthy.
When a Marriage Crisis occurs, they are, of course, very difficult to manage and take time and effort to resolve. However, as you nourish and nurture one another you can make your marriage a success and the haven you’ve desired!
Again, these are very challenging subjects and I would love to receive your email sharing your own ideas that are working or questions you would like to add for future times together or other articles. Feel free to contact me at CoachWaverly@WaverlyHanson.com.
After 25 years, I am still awed by being a part of what I consider miraculous turnarounds with hundreds of couples.
Marriage Counselor & Author
In my personal life, I have had a long successful marriage and have remarried following my husband's death. I have had three sons and helped raise a niece for three years and have seven grandchildren. I have loved spending time with them as they were growing up.
I also enjoy getting together with family and friends, ATVing in the mountains, photography, hiking, and traveling. I also enjoy reading, creating art, decorating, and serving others by volunteering.
Assisting couples in rebuilding their marriages has been so rewarding as I've had the privilege of seeing hundreds of couples reunite and get back to being positively connected to one another.
I also work with personal development and those who want to move forward by making positive improvements such as goal setting, self-care, boundaries, behavioral improvements, overcoming procrastination, conflict management, etc.