You never realized with your busy schedules.
Exactly when you two started to drift apart.
The next chapter of your life started with a grey morning when she declared she did not wish to live with you any longer.
She wants a divorce.
And she wants it so bad that she just does not want another heated argument about why you two should stick together and why she is compelled to compromise.
That frustrating feeling that you get while you hang between your ego which says you better let that go and your rational mind which tells you this marriage has to be saved, is a constant battle. But once you’ve decided you need to save this beautiful bond, you need to start working toward it.
- Take Time Out Together
It is always advisable to take your time before coming to a final conclusion about the end of your marriage. Even if she wants out, it is imperative to see if you can agree to a temporary hold on moving on with her final decision. Chances are, if it is a temporary thing she has been feeling in your marriage, she will get time to think things through. It would also give you time to come up with efforts that will make her want to stay.
- Polish the Attraction
Relationships suffer fading and rusting just like any other material. They are the delicate flowers that need constant appreciation, attention, and spiritual as well as emotional fueling. There can also be the intellectual spark which keeps the marriage growing.
While your first response will be to beg her to reconsider and stay, it is most important that you own your part of the problems and accept that responsibility. Requesting time or volunteering to make an appointment with a marriage friendly counselor or therapist may also work. (Initially, however, she may let you know she won’t be coming. If so, please make your own appointment and keep it anyway.)
Be aware that her first response may be pretty disheartening such as, Too little, too late. She may act very angry that you have waited so long to take her seriously. As you think back, you will probably recall she has mentioned getting help numerous times in the past.
If you do that, it will be a good beginning. However, actions speak much louder than words. Therefore, beginning to do the things you recall her liking and responding to will be a big step in the right direction.
The glow fades and the heart bleeds as it recalls the beautiful times spent in togetherness and bliss. Revive that time, recall what you both cherished together and try to identify what went wrong. Most of all, focus on whatever she has been missing in the relationship. Once those voids are filled, there is a chance she may reconsider. (Do expect skepticism and rejection at first, however, as that is normally the first response I’ve observed in my over 25 years of working with couples on their marriages.)
Following are tips to help strengthen your marriage. But first, check out my products related to marriage health.
- The Understanding Says it All
Believe it or not, women want men to understand them even when they fail to communicate what exactly they are feeling. Sometimes, a simple nod accompanied with a smile shows you care and do not require detailed explanations for her behavior. The empathy, support and understanding you show can have an impact on her possibly reconsidering her decision.
- Forgiveness Saves the Day
Forgiveness is one of the key factors you will both need to embrace eventually, but it does take time and effort. In order to make your relationship alive again, you would have to forgive and forget the past mistakes to avoid the divorce possibility you’ve been dreading.
Whatever issues have caused your wife to decide to leave you, did not spring up overnight. Yes it could be one morning when she would bring up the subject, but there certainly has been a lot of thinking on her part as well. Try to approach her kindly and instead of arguing over who went wrong, focus on your responsibilities towards making amends.
Again, this is a very challenging subject and I would love to receive your email sharing your own ideas that are working for you or questions you would like to add for future times together or other articles.
I do faithfully try to respond to every email I receive. Email me at: CoachWaverly@WaverlyHanson.com
After 25 years, I am still awed by being a part of what I consider miraculous turnarounds with hundreds of couples.
Marriage Counselor & Author
In my personal life, I have had a long successful marriage and have remarried following my husband's death. I have had three sons and helped raise a niece for three years and have seven grandchildren. I have loved spending time with them as they were growing up.
I also enjoy getting together with family and friends, ATVing in the mountains, photography, hiking, and traveling. I also enjoy reading, creating art, decorating, and serving others by volunteering.
Assisting couples in rebuilding their marriages has been so rewarding as I've had the privilege of seeing hundreds of couples reunite and get back to being positively connected to one another.
I also work with personal development and those who want to move forward by making positive improvements such as goal setting, self-care, boundaries, behavioral improvements, overcoming procrastination, conflict management, etc.