The profound hopelessness you might feel after you believe you’ve done all you could possibly do to save your marriage, but still don’t have a positive outcome, is a killer for your self-esteem and can also leave you questioning almost all of the decisions you’ve ever made .

With some people, a time comes in their marriage when they don’t see how it could ever become healthy and happy after it has been bruised by the all the adversities you’ve been through. At that point, there seems absolutely no solution.

Here are some things you can do if you are asking yourself ‘How can I save my marriage when there is no hope?

 

1. Learn new tactics to resolve Issues

If ‘we need to talk’ doesn’t work anymore, there is no point in pushing it over and over again. You need new techniques to address the issues in your marriage and break out of the negative patterns that have become the norm. One of your goals is to refresh the communication between you. Without having any certainty about the outcome, it will probably be difficult at first to step into the repair procedure, but since you wish to save your marriage, it is important.

Where can you learn these new tactics? There are resources without number that you can use. The library. bookstore and online are full of helps for your situation.

Additionally, if you need an outside perspective you can find help from a marriage friendly counselor, therapist or coach.

These are what I call Tools! During my first meeting with a couple (or the spouse who is willing to come), I always help them get started with at least two different tools they can use to communicate in different ways than usual. My latest book How to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage: Stop Marriage Pain, Start Reconnecting. This is available through Amazon in paperback and kindle.

2. Focus On Your Thoughts

Before you know it, your thoughts become your words and even your actions. When you don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel in your marriage, it could be the case that it is your vision that is slightly impaired and needs some aid. You need to focus on your own thoughts first and foremost. Dig in deep to identify the real problems and where it all started. If you’re lucky enough to come up with an answer that helps, it could easily lead to improvements in your marriage.

When you feel hopeless, it is easy to just give up and not do your best to demonstrate by your words, but mostly your actions, that you have determined a new path for yourself and your marriage. For one thing, that means that criticism is a thing of the past toward your mate.

 

3. Ditch the Bitterness

One of the reasons why couples are on the edge of a breakup is that they don’t seem to be happy with one another. Often this is because they don’t miss an opportunity to come up with snide remarks, polish their fluency in sarcasm and be the unnecessary critic; all this is not constructive at all. In order to take your marriage out of the state of hopelessness, it is important to throw the bitterness out the window and start working on being at your best no matter what. You might or might not find your spouse reciprocating in the same manner, but do not lose hope. Be prepared for skepticism at first from your mate as often one of the accusations hurled during fights is, You’ll never change, Too little, too late, etc.

When instead of focusing on the problems, you focus on solutions and things you still enjoy doing together, you will start building hope for the future. It is amazing to me how quickly couples can begin to have hope for their marriage when they begin doing the things that work instead of repeating the things that never did work.

 

4. The Decisions of Togetherness

Needless to say, when spouses make decisions together pertaining to their marriage, career choices, and kids etc., they are more likely to have better ideas and it also can take away the opportunity to blame one another for any negative outcome of the decision. The decisions made together as a couple involve mutual respect and consideration of each other’s opinion, thus the art of working together has to be promoted in a marriage instead of one spouse taking control of a major chunk of marital responsibilities and making all the important decisions.

Hopefully, you two have learned to be willing to seek wise advice from people who have been through life longer than you have and have some expertise in the area you are needing information. After doing that together and making the best decision you can make with the knowledge you had at that time, you just have to learn to be okay.

 

 

 

Following are tips to help strengthen your marriage. But first, check out my products related to marriage health.

5. Don’t Rush into another Relationship

The worst thing you could do even while there lies no hope in your marriage, is to rush into an affair out of frustration, for a rebound when your marriage isn’t over yet or confide in friends about your marital problems when your spouse is wondering how to resolve your problems. Do not complicate things when you haven’t put in enough efforts. It is also important to realize that finding solace in some form of addiction or in ranting all the time about how unhappy you’ve been with your spouse over time complicates your problems and is so not going to work to save your marriage.

 

6. Relive your Honeymoon

It doesn’t necessarily have to be your lavish honeymoon resort that you should go back to relive the moments once again; the idea is to bring back the intimacy and closeness in your marital bond which  has been lacking lately. At first you might find it difficult to make plans to make love and go out on dates, but eventually once it becomes a part of your routine, you will notice how you willingly dress and be at your best for your spouse.

Go back into your memories to simple things you used to enjoy doing together. Surprise your mate by taking him or her there on one of the times you set aside for one another. Take turns planning the dates if you both are willing. You can also take advantage of marriage retreats which give you a jump start toward your reconnection.

Your marriage is a strong bond and can be saved even when the spouses see no hope for it. All it takes is some effort, new tools and a determination to make it work.

 

In closing, I’d like to share the news that I am still awed by what I consider the miraculous turnarounds I’ve been a part of with hundreds of couples in over 25 years!  There is hope for you too!

I would love to hear what is working for you as a couple or hear your questions. This helps me to furnish more articles and materials that address the topics that encourage and help you!

     

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    Waverly Hanson

    Waverly Hanson

    Marriage Counselor & Author

    In my personal life, I have had a long successful marriage and have remarried following my husband's death.  I have had three sons and helped raise a niece for three years and have seven grandchildren.  I have loved spending time with them as they were growing up.

    I also enjoy getting together with family and friends, ATVing in the mountains, photography, hiking, and traveling. I also enjoy reading, creating art, decorating, and serving others by volunteering. 

    Assisting couples in rebuilding their marriages has been so rewarding as I've had the privilege of seeing hundreds of couples reunite and get back to being positively connected to one another. 

    I also work with personal development and those who want to move forward by making positive improvements such as goal setting, self-care, boundaries, behavioral improvements, overcoming procrastination, conflict management, etc.