UPDATED: June 26, 2024
Most people want a Happy Marriage
If you’re like most people, you think about having a dream wedding and a happy marriage with a person that you truly love and adore. There’s nothing more beautiful than being committed to one person for the rest of your life and sharing your entire lifetime with them. However, having a good marriage is a lot more than just the act of getting married.
If you are struggling with feeling committed or you’re afraid that your spouse is not as committed to your relationship as they once were, check out this post for help: Help for the Marriage Struggling with Commitment.
A few guidelines to help on your own Marriage Journey:
If you want to remain married and most of all, happy in your marriage, then you will need to take active efforts towards it. A marriage takes two persons who are willing to frequently make a positive connection with one another.
1. Don’t guess but clarify things for one another.
The number one thing that every single couple needs to understand is positive communication. If you don’t communicate warmly with your wife or husband, it will be extremely hard to have your needs understood and met.
It is not just about communication! You may be communicating by your fighting, but not in positive ways that meet one another’s desires and needs.
This means you will take the time to understand how your partner communicates. Everyone communicates in different ways, so you will need to figure out your partner’s communication style. For example, some people may communicate in a straightforward way while some choose a passive-aggressive style or even submissive style.
Learn how each of your respective communication styles can work for you rather than against you. Check out this blog post learn more about communication in marriage: Learn how to communicate better in your marriage!
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2. Practice ways that work best for you each to understand one another.
Once you understand how your partner communicates, you can then really comprehend what they are trying to say in the way they are saying it. Of course, not all communication styles are effective, and if you or your partner is passive-aggressive or aggressive, you will both need to take steps to communicate in a more direct yet gentle manner.
3. No mind-reading or fortune-telling allowed!
Remember, it’s impossible to read another person’s mind or have your own mind read. So, be sure to let your partner know, what you really think and feel instead of wishing they would just understand you.
Once positive communication is in place, this may bring out some issues. How you deal with these in your marriage is critical.
4. Learn to fully concentrate and listen and try to understand.
After all, if your partner tells you they are unhappy with something you’re doing, the last thing you want to do is lash out at them or get into an out-of-control argument.
It’s vital that you reduce reactive behavior and really think before you speak. The words you say in anger can cause a lot of damage that is very difficult or even impossible to repair.
If things get heated this would be a good time to use the technique I outlined below in number 5. Take a step back and get some space to cool down. Try using an alternative method to communicate that doesn’t involve face-to-face. This is a good technique in particular if these conversations, or altercations, are happening frequently.
Another good tip is to go for a walk if you know you have to have a tough conversation. It will help things stay more relaxed and you will be able to stay in the conversation longer before it gets out of control. Don’t believe me? Test it out and see how it can work for you.
5. Calm down or Cool downtime is vital!
It is likely that after a heated discussion, you may need to take some time to calm down and think, before talking about the issue. You will need to learn how to think about things from your partner’s point of view so that you can empathize and understand how they feel. Once both partners can do this, solving issues will become more doable.
In any relationship, there will always be challenges and disagreements, but how you approach those and address them will determine the quality of your marriage. Remember, a happy marriage requires you to communicate respectfully and positively and work through your differences instead of fighting or ignoring them.
Sometimes taking a step back from verbal communication can be effective in a situation like this. Calmly tell your partner that your emotions are starting to get out of your control and you need some space to calm down. Once you are in a calmer state of mind you can write your partner a letter or send them a text/email explaining what you were trying to say during the conversation or how you are feeling about how things went.
Since the conversation is no longer face-to-face, you will have more time and space to process through and respond to whatever your partner’s response is. This gives you the ability to respond in a kinder more respectful way, but also ensure that you are being heard. And, hopefully, it allows your partner to have their turn to feel heard as well.
Wanting to be heard and being able to voice our side of things is often when communication breaks down. We feel like the other is not fully hearing us and we are getting interrupted before we get our chance to voice our needs. If you feel that way during your conversations with your partner, it’s probably a safe bet that your partner is feeling that way too. Let that be a good reminder to listen well. If you listen to their side they might be better able to listen to yours.
6. Keep in mind your Humanity
Keep in mind that you are two human beings who are not perfect and will need to sincerely apologize to one another many times. At the very least you can apologize for your part in the dispute.
7. If after sincerely trying, you are still having difficulty, find help!
There are many times when you are too close to the issues to be able to work through yourselves in spite of your best efforts.
A mentoring relationship with a couple that is more experienced with marital conflict can be a great way to get an outside perspective.
A marriage-friendly therapist, coach, or counselor with just a few meetings will likely be able to help you develop strong communication skills if you are willing to make an effort!
If your spouse isn’t able/willing to meet with a mentoring couple or therapist/counselor try exploring these options on your own. It is refreshing and encouraging to have someone on the outside of your marriage to reflect things back to even if it’s you alone doing the reflecting. It’s not meant to be a time of venting or talking behind your partner’s back, but rather a time to seek counsel and to learn some better ways of handling the struggles that you’re currently facing in your marriage. You can see progress even if you are the only one seeking a solution.
Waverly Hanson
Marriage Counselor & Author
In my personal life, I have had a long successful marriage and have remarried following my husband's death. I have had three sons and helped raise a niece for three years and have seven grandchildren. I have loved spending time with them as they were growing up.
I also enjoy getting together with family and friends, ATVing in the mountains, photography, hiking, and traveling. I also enjoy reading, creating art, decorating, and serving others by volunteering.
Assisting couples in rebuilding their marriages has been so rewarding as I've had the privilege of seeing hundreds of couples reunite and get back to being positively connected to one another.
I also work with personal development and those who want to move forward by making positive improvements such as goal setting, self-care, boundaries, behavioral improvements, overcoming procrastination, conflict management, etc.