Expectations – I thought marriage would be__________________. You can fill in your own blanks. I’m betting the way your marriage turned out is not exactly what you thought it would be?
You have expectations, I have expectations….Everyone does. Because you have never been married before, or even if you’ve been married before, you do have expectations. When your expectations and your reality don’t match….it can create a problem in how you look at one another and how you feel about one another.
Where do you get your ideas and expectations? Your own growing up family, your favorite movies, romantic songs, stories, people you admired?
At that first stage, you just knew your relationship would be different because you both were so in love and nearly perfect! Those human characteristics were viewed with such a lens of love that it was impossible to believe you would ever have any problems to solve.
Later you may “secretly” notice a couples things you aren’t too happy about, but have the faulty idea that you will help your mate change that fault later on when you’re married.
For those of you who earlier had this idea, you probably have found that your mate has to decide if and when and what they want to change, huh? (Of course, the same is true for you if your mate decides on a “self-improvement” program for you!)
I found it pretty amusing later in my own marriage (though not at the time it was happening) when my husband used to say to others, after quite a few years of marriage, “Ever since I gave up on my self-improvement program for Waverly, we get along just fine.”
Later on hopefully you will or have gone through the stage where you allow each other to be human with some imperfections and gradually get to the point where you accept one another without trying to change each other.
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One of the “expectations” you may have had is that the guy will always fix the car, be a careful financial planner, pay the bills, be a great organizer, always take out the garbage or mow the lawn or will know how to fix anything that breaks. Later you realize that just because your own Dad was “Mr. Fixit” it does not mean every guy is talented in those areas. He probably has other skills or talents.
Naturally, somehow, some of you may have the expectation that the female will always know how to handle the finances like a CPA, is a great organizer or knows how to whip up a full meal at a moment’s notice or will always handle all the laundry or errands, is a great decorator or whatever. It is the same issue here, Just because Mom did all these things well and loved them, does not mean that your wife will just naturally do them too.
Until next time…
Please do comment or leave questions and I will respond and share so others can benefit too. What was helpful, what have you learned on this subject?
Love to hear your own experiences, stories or questions. Feel free to contact me at CoachWaverly@WaverlyHanson.com
Waverly Hanson
Marriage Counselor & Author
In my personal life, I have had a long successful marriage and have remarried following my husband's death. I have had three sons and helped raise a niece for three years and have seven grandchildren. I have loved spending time with them as they were growing up.
I also enjoy getting together with family and friends, ATVing in the mountains, photography, hiking, and traveling. I also enjoy reading, creating art, decorating, and serving others by volunteering.
Assisting couples in rebuilding their marriages has been so rewarding as I've had the privilege of seeing hundreds of couples reunite and get back to being positively connected to one another.
I also work with personal development and those who want to move forward by making positive improvements such as goal setting, self-care, boundaries, behavioral improvements, overcoming procrastination, conflict management, etc.